drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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