2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
