my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
