im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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