Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
They also submitted to my demands for pizza