Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother