i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
