4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
