Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
