I wish I could punch you in the face.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
