3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
