I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
