Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
