Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
