I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
