I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
