I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
