she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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