My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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