He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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