Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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