I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
