I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
