so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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