i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
