They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
