We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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