someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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