I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I feel like I'm in dance class right now
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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