I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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