she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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