Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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