I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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