I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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