I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
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