Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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