then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Randomize
