just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize