I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
