my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
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Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
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Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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