I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
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I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
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Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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