Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
