I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
