Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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