It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
