No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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