Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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