She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
