Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
