You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
