Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The uberlube is also flammable
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
