This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
