What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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