he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i came on her dog
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
