True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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