I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
