ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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