we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
