Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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