Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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